Frustration has set in

This week I have been dealing with burning calves. Everytime I do an exercise, my calves feel like two heavy rcoks just sitting on my legs and hindering everythign that I do. Erin says that I need to move my 30DS workout surface onto carpet to lessen the blows that I take from such a hard surface.

I still managed to fit in my workouts, except I took off yesterday. I went to a wine tasting with Kelly and my parents and had some wine and some snacks. I was ravenous before, so I snacked at my parents house before we went, which was good seeing as there was basically no food at the tasting. When I got home I also indulged in a spring time oreo and 5 pieces of licorice. This doesnt really seem that bad, until I remembered that I had peeled a grapefruit for when I got home! UGH! My healthy snack turned into a small candy fest. Well, that cant do too much harm can it? Im not having oreos everyday and Im not snacking everyday.

I decided to get on the scale. Now, why I wanted to do this is absolutely beyond what I am able to comprehend. I thought it would be a good idea and that I would see something that I liked. I wanted to see how much I weighed at the end of the day. To my honestly shocking suprise, I was above the weight that I started out at January 1st! Now, I get that I was going to weigh more than I usually see, but not 7 pounds more. This is insane and so discouraging! I wanted to start working out right then and there, but I would have had awful food in the stomach cramps. All that I could do was sulk and feel bad about myself. I am not losing inches either, as my pants fit the same.

I just dont get how after all the effort I haave put in the past 4 weeks, Im not getting anywhere. I even tried on my bathing suit bottoms that I plan to wear on the cruise, just to motivate me even more (although at the moment it just made me feel worse). I am not giving up, but I am just not sure what to do anymore. Maybe I am just destined to be this size, no matter what I do, although I cant really believe that this is true. I refuse to go on a crazy diet that I will not be able to keep up with either.

The most sad part is that I would be perfectly fine at the weight I am at if it wasn't for that vision of what we 'should' look like. I much prefer being able to go out and have fun over watching everything I put into my body. I wish that the ideal weight was more of a plump average than such a skinny one! I think everyone would probably be happier that way, because I will tell you that I am just a grumpy girl when Im depriving myself. Not that I want to gorge, but I wouldn't be aspiring to be so skinny.

It is just hard when you are around someone who is skinny without doing anything, one who is skinny because she is so motivated to workout and eat little and put exercise above all else, and another who is able to calorie count and exercise exactly to maintian a good weight, and all of these people are your sisters.